


Memos and Announcements

by Fox_the_Hermit



Category: Bleach
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-09-06 12:30:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8751190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fox_the_Hermit/pseuds/Fox_the_Hermit
Summary: Communications between the highest-seated officers of the Gotei 13.





	1. Chapter 1

**To:** Abarai Renji

 **From:** Kuchiki Byakuya

 **Subject:** Misconduct

 

Abarai-fukutaicho, if you do not stop drinking with the 11th division every Friday, I will send you back there permanently. And stop spiking my tea with alcohol. It is not funny and I do not need to ‘loosen up’. So please, just get to work.

 

Your taicho,

Kuchiki Byakuya

________________________

 

 **To:** Kuchiki Byakuya

 **From:** Abarai Renji

 **Subject:** re:Misconduct

 

Kuchiki-taicho, I’m simply improving the relations between our divisions. And what are you talking about? I’m not spiking your tea.

 

Yours sincerely,

Abarai-fukutaicho

_______________________

 

 **To:** Kyouraku Shunsui

 **From:** Ise Nanao

 **Subject:** Administration of the 8th Division

 

Kyouraku-taicho, if you don’t start on last week’s paperwork _now_ , I will stop helping you sneak your supplies of sake into Captain’s meetings. And I’ll tell Ukitake-taicho not to help, either.

 

Respectfully,

Ise Nanao

________________________

 

 **To:** Ise Nanao

 **From:** Kyouraku Shunsui

 **Subject:** re: Administration of the 8th Division

 

Why so cruel, Nanao-chan? You can’t deprive me of my sake! I’m your friend and favourite Captain!

________________________

 

 **To:** Kyouraku Shunsui

 **From:** Ise Nanao

 **Subject:** re: re: Administration of the 8th Division

 

 _Because I can’t see the surface of my desk anymore_. Get working, taicho, unless you want to spend the next four meetings stone cold sober.

 

Respectfully,

Ise Nanao

PS. The petal box ran out and I am not authorising the use of Division funds to order its replenishment. The form is somewhere in the the paperwork pile.

________________________

 

 **To:** Izuru Kira

 **From:** Ichimaru Gin

 **Subject:** Tea

 

Kira-chan, where is my tea? There’s not a single handful left in the entire building! I trust that you’ll buy some at the first opportunity. You are very reliable.

 

Sending you my smiles,

Ichimaru-taicho

________________________

 

 **To:** Hitsugaya Toshiro

 **From:** Matsumoto Rangiku

 **Subject:** Money

 

Taicho, why am I not getting paid anymore?

_I am broke. I have no money left!_

 

Lots of kisses,

Rangiku

________________________

 

 **To:** Matsumoto Rangiku

 **From:** Hitsugaya Toshiro

 **Subject:** re: Money

 

You only ever buy sake, Matsumoto-fukutaicho. I thought it might improve your productivity if you were not mildly hungover 67% of the time.

 

Get to work, and I might increase your salary.

Hitsugaya-taicho

________________________

 

 **To:** Hitsugaya Toshiro

 **From:** Matsumoto Rangiku

 **Subject:** re: re: Money

 

That’s not true. I also buy prank items and fancy clothes. AND FOOD.

 

Lots of kisses,

Rangiku

________________________

 

 **To:** Matsumoto Rangiku

 **From:** Hitsugaya Toshiro

 **Subject:** re: re: re: Money

 

I… stand amended. Your salary will be returned to half of what it was previously. I assume it will be enough.

 

Hitsugaya-taicho

 

________________________

 

 **To:** All 12th Division Members

 **From:** Kurotsuchi Mayuri

 **Subject:** CODE 78HYBG

 

Attention 12th Division! Our 34vHybridRabbits have escaped. They must be recovered immediately.

If you don’t find them promptly, you will be subject to further improvements.

If the rabbits are in an irritable or aggressive state, they are to be put down immediately, and the remains are to be destroyed utterly.

 

I am watching you.

________________________

 

 **To:** Kurotsuchi Mayuri, Kurotsuchi Nemu

 **From:** Ukitake Juushiro

 **Subject:** Infestation of Rabbits

 

Kurotsuchi-taicho and Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho, please retrieve your escaped test subjects. They have taken over half of the compound of my division, and are currently advancing further.

May I enquire as to why you tried to breed rabbits that can subdue Hollows?

Ah, also - please be careful around Kuchiki Rukia. She is a fan of rabbits, and may act rather rashly if you try to remove them from her.

 

Respectfully,

Ukitake Juushiro

________________________

 

 **To:** Ukitake Juushiro

 **From:** Kurotsuchi Nemu

 **Subject:** re: Infestation of Rabbits

 

I thank you for bringing the issue to mine, and my taicho’s attention. Our exterminators will arrive shortly.

 

Best regards,

Kurotsuchi Nemu

________________________

 

 **To:** Gotei 13

 **From:** Unohana Retsu

 **Subject:** Announcement

 

Attention all Shinigami - if you refuse to show up for your scheduled medical examinations, I will refuse treatment to you for any problems that may arise. On your own heads be it. I will no longer have my subordinates chase you down.

 

Utterly disgusted by you all,

Unohana Retsu

________________________

 

 **To:** Gotei 13

 **From:**  Kusajishi Yachiru

 **Subject:** My candy

 

Has anyone seen where Pretty-san hid my stash of candy?

 

Yachiru

________________________

 

 **To:** All Captains

 **From:** Yamamoto-sotaicho, Unohana Retsu

 **Subject:** Abarai-fukutaicho

 

Kuchiki-taicho, please control your lieutenant. His drinking habits are leaving vast swathes of destruction across Seireitei whenever they are combined with the rambunctious spirit of his 11th division conspirators.

 

Zaraki-taicho, please keep Abarai-fukutaicho away from members of your division, especially Ayasegawa Yumichika and Madarame Ikkaku. They are a very volatile combination.

 

Other Captains, please aid them in this endeavour.

________________________

 

 **To:** All Captains

 **From:** Zaraki Kenpachi

 **Subject:** re: Abarai-fukutaicho

 

They are very funny.

 

Kenpachi Zaraki

________________________

 

 **To:** Zaraki Kenpachi

 **From:** Unohana Retsu

 **Subject:** re: re: Abarai-fukutaicho

 

Funny? Abarai Renji’s drinking habit are funny, you say?

I don’t think so. Not when I have to heal everybody they injure in their spree of ceaseless violence.

 

Unohana Retsu

________________________

 

 **To:** Zaraki Kenpachi

 **From:** Hitsugaya Toshiro

 **Subject:** re: Abarai-fukutaicho

 

When am I going to get reparations for the damage to my compound?

 

Hitsugaya-taicho

________________________

 

 **To:** Hitsugaya Toshiro

 **From:** Ayasegawa Yumichika

 **Subject:** re: re: Abarai-fukutaicho

 

In a month? I have a lot of paperwork to do. However, I will do my best, Hitsugaya-taicho.

________________________

 

 **To:** Kenpachi Zaraki

 **From:** Hitsugaya Toshiro

 **Subject:** re: re: re: Abarai-fukutaicho

 

Zaraki-taicho, why does your fifth seat do your paperwork? And how does he have access to your communication channel?

 

Hitsugaya-taicho

________________________

 

 **To:** Ichimaru Gin

 **From:** Yamamoto-sotaicho

 **Subject:** Warning

 

Ichimaru-taicho, Unohana-taicho has started to complain about the fact that so many of your officers need counselling, because of ‘those creepy smiles’. I am sure you know what she is talking about, and I’m sure you appreciate that her ire can be terrible. This is just a friendly warning.


	2. Chapter 2

**To:** Ayasegawa Yumichika

 **From:** Abarai Renji

 **Subject:** candy?

 

Yumichika, why is there candy piled under my bed?

 

Your favourite red-haired conspirator

________________________

 

 **To:** Abarai Renji

 **From:** Ayasegawa Yumichika

 **Subject:** re: candy?

 

I’m hiding it there. Please don’t eat it, it belongs to Kusajishi-fukutaicho.

 

The Prettiest Shinigami in Seireitei

________________________

 

 **To:** Ayasegawa Yumichika

 **From:** Abarai Renji

 **Subject:** re: re: candy?

 

If I get injured for ‘stealing’ it, you get to explain it to Unohana-taicho.

 

Your favourite red-haired Shinigami

________________________

 

 **To:** Abarai Renji

 **From:** Ayasegawa Yumichika

 **Subject:** re: re: re: candy?

 

You still owe me for helping spike your Captain’s tea.

 

The most charming Shinigami in Seireitei

________________________

 

 **To:** Gotei 13

 **From:** Aizen Sousuke

 **Subject:** Hinamori Momo

 

Anyone with information about where my lieutenant has vanished to, please come forwards.

 

Best regards,

Aizen Sousuke

________________________

 

 **To:** Kusajishi Yachiru

 **From:** Hisagi Shuuhei

 **Subject:** I need the Hell Butterflies!

 

Kusajishi-fukutaicho, please stop stealing my Hell-butterflies! My captain can’t read these messages!

 

Highly stressed,

Hisagi Shuuhei

________________________

 

 **To:** Hisagi Shuuhei

 **From:** Kusajishi Yachiru

 **Subject:** re: I need the Hell Butterflies!

 

Why not?

________________________

 

 **To:** Kusajishi Yachiru

 **From:** Hisagi Shuuhei

 **Subject:** re: re: I need the Hell Butterflies!

 

He can’t see, Kusajishi-fukutaicho.

________________________

 

 **To:** Matsumoto Rangiku

 **From:** Hitsugaya Toshiro

 **Subject:** Misconduct

 

Matsumoto-fukutaicho, while your alcohol tolerance is indeed impressive, I find it inadvisable for you to ever try to outdrink the entire 11th division. You got nearly _all_ of them drunk and then convinced them to go streaking through the main streets of Seireitei; though at least you were sober enough not to join them.

Once you have gotten over your hangover, please report to me in person. I have several piles of paperwork that you need to go through.

 

Hitsugaya-taicho

________________________

 

 **To:** Ichimaru Gin

 **From:** Ise Nanao

 **Subject:** Inter-Division Cooperation

 

Ichimaru-taicho, would you consider teaching me your smiling technique in exchange for my aid with your paperwork?

 

Respectfully,

Ise Nanao

________________________

 

 **To:** Ise Nanao

 **From:** Ichimaru Gin

 **Subject:** re: Inter-Division Cooperation

 

Why d’you wanna know that?

 

Sending you my smiles,

Ichimaru-taicho

________________________

 

 **To:** Ichimaru Gin

 **From:** Ise Nanao

 **Subject:** re: re: Inter-Division Cooperation

 

It would aid with my attempts to get my taichou to get his paperwork done.

 

Respectfully,

Ise Nanao

________________________

 

 **To:** Ise Nanao

 **From:** Ichimaru Gin

 **Subject:** re: re:  re: Inter-Division Cooperation

 

Sure.

 

Sending you my smiles,

Ichimaru-taicho

________________________

 

 **To:** All Captains, All Lieutenants

 **From:** Komamura Saijin

 **Subject:** Suspicious Activity

 

All Shinigami Captains and Lieutenants - Is it just me, or is there a black cat that has taken to sneaking into Seireitei?

 

Yours sincerely,

Komamura Saijin

________________________

 

 **To:** Kotsubaki Sentaro  & Kotetsu Kiyone

 **From:** Ukitake Juushiro

 **Subject:** Hinamori Momo

 

My lieutenants, can you please give back Aizen-taicho his lieutenant? I am perfectly aware of the fact that she is passed out in your quarters, still drunk from your weekly tea-party, where the tea is replaced with alcohol.

 

Please give her back to Aizen-taicho. She does have a job.

 

Ukitake Juushiro

________________________

 

 **To:** Ukitake Juushiro

 **From:**  Kotsubaki Sentaro  & Kotetsu Kiyone

 **Subject:** re: Hinamori Momo

 

Oh! Our great and all-knowing taichou, of course you know all about our meeting, us pitiful peasants! I’ll go and obey your orders immediately! - Kotetsu

_I will! I can do it better, anyway! - Kotsubaki_

No, I can! I am a better lieutenant than you are to our precious, amazing taichou!” - Kotetsu

_I am superior to you, dumbass! - Kotsubaki_

Who are you calling dumbass, monkey! - Kotetsu

 

Apologies, great taicho! We will return her at one! - Kotsubaki Sentaro & Kotetsu Kiyone

________________________

 

 **To:** Ukitake Juushiro

 **From:** Kuchiki Byakuya

 **Subject:** Kuchiki Rukia

 

Ukitake-taicho, would you mind telling my sister to stop letting my fanclub inside our house?

 

Best regards,

Kuchiki Byakuya

________________________

 

 **To:** Kuchiki Byakuya

 **From:** Ukitake Juushiro

 **Subject:** re: Kuchiki Rukia

 

Certainly not, but may I enquire as to why you don’t do it yourself?

 

Respectfully,

Ukitake Juushiro

________________________

 

 **To:** Ukitake Juushiro

 **From:** Kuchiki Byakuya

 **Subject:** re: re: Kuchiki Rukia

 

My authority has proven to be insufficient to address this problem.

 

Best regards,

Kuchiki Byakuya

________________________

 

 **To:** Kurotsuchi Mayuri

 **From:** Yamamoto-sotaicho

 **Subject:** Warning

 

Kurotsuchi-taicho, please keep better watch of your experiments. Their continuing escapes are proving hazardous to the health of lower-level Shinigami.

________________________

 

 **To:** Kyouraku Shunsui

 **From:** Yamamoto-sotaicho

 **Subject:** Warning

 

Kyouraku-taicho, please stop whining. We are all aware that you lieutenant has confiscated all your alcohol. If you want her to return it, I would suggest you do your paperwork.

________________________

 

 **To:** Soifon

 **From:** Yamamoto-sotaicho

**Subject:**

 

Soifon-taichou, please stop daring Zaraki-taichou to do increasingly more dangerous things with Kurotsuchi-taicho’s experimental equipment. We have no one to replace him with.

**Author's Note:**

> Meh... I was bored.


End file.
